Well, it's my first post of the new year... 20 days into it already. Oops. My last post was about weight and trying to lose weight again. And again, I stopped trying. After I write this post, I am going to re-read the last one so that I regain some motivation (hopefully). I'm in an incredibly melancholy mood tonight, so I might as well write a little bit to let it all out.
I'm sick of being overweight, but I came to a startling realization about it tonight: I'm afraid to lose weight. Sometimes you want something for so long, the idea of what life would be like after you achieve it seems terrifying. My whole life has revolved around being the fat girl. The idea of being able to let that go makes me scared to death. It's part of who I am. I hate it--don't get me wrong! I hate being "the fat one." But if I'm not that anymore... what am I? It's such a weird realization. I think it might be another element that holds me back from really attempting to lose the weight. And I know I'm probably digging into some deep psychological shit right now, but I really think it has something to do with it. Deep down, and I mean DEEEEEP down, I don't want to lose weight.
If I lost weight and felt happy about how I looked, what would I have to complain about? What would I have to look forward to? To dream about one day being? I have felt ugly and inadequate and less than all my attractive friends for so long that the idea of being just as good as everyone else makes me want to cry... and not happy tears. Which is opposite of what I would expect. In a weird way, I think I've convinced myself that having to be "the fat one" somehow does make me better than others. It makes me try harder and compensate in other ways to prove to people that I'm better than the pretty girls because I'm not pretty. I'm smart, I'm nice, I'm talented, I'm interesting, I'm funny... I'm not just a pretty face and body. I'm not a bimbo. I'm not shallow. I'm better than them...
But I'm really not. I judge skinny people. I judge them and I hate them because they have what I've always wanted. They get all their dreams to come true because they're attractive. And only because they're attractive. They get to meet their dream man, fall in love, have an extravagant wedding in the perfect wedding dress. They get to have children and live happily ever after only because they're pretty and skinny. And I don't only because I'm fat and ugly. Intellectually I know this isn't (always) true. But in my mind (again--to make myself feel less inadequate) skinny people don't have anything else to offer other than being beautiful. All they have is their beauty and society loves them for it. So I have to be amazing and perfect in every single other way because the only thing society wants from me and will like me for... I don't have.
I know there are millions of perfect looking women who are also smart, funny, talented, nice and interesting. But it really depresses me. Because how can I possibly find happiness if they exist in the world? No one will ever want to be with me if there are so many better options out there. So I have to think that I really am the one that's better. Society is wrong, and I'm the type of woman that men should fall over because I'm not pretty and because of that, I am everything else.
So, to become skinny scares me. It means I'm shallow because I care about my looks. It means I can no longer be "anti" beauty and being thin and all the negative connotations I have chosen to associate with it. In essence... I would become what I hate most in this world. I would become my own arch nemesis. To call this a lifestyle change would be an understatement. It would be a complete overhaul of my entire way of thinking, living, and feeling.
I really do hope that I get over all these mental hang ups and can find a way to lose weight. I have a feeling that it will be a much more emotional process than I originally thought. I see a lot of sobbing and breaking down in my future. And hopefully, a lot of letting go.
[ j. ]
